I preach the value of a daily meditation practise, of breathing, time in nature, time off tech and yet this every now and then life conspires to snatch away everything that provides me with sustenance.
The straw that broke the camel's back recently was discovering that, unbeknownest to me, I had been announced as a speaker for an event in less than a week. Unexpected and logistically tight. It completed tripped me up.
I stumbled on the presumptuousness and assumptiveness of the organisers, I stumbled on my fury, my rage, my childishness and my anxiety.
I right myself momentarily in the lightness of a beautiful sunny day, a coffee with a sympathetic friend and then stumble again as the additional obligation and preparation pulls at me and demands me to defer or compromise other commitments.
I am buffeted by an unexpected squall. This simple thing churned up my consciousness. I rage at others and I berate myself. It is a bruising place to be. It is a familiar place.
It shocks me how ridiculously easy simple situations like this can bring me to the edge. Fortunately I know the power of naming what is going on in me and I have the tools to right myself.
Before I had help, therapy and learnt the ability to accept all of who I am and what goes on for me I could teeter on the precipice for weeks at a time.
It has taken time to learn to give myself a break. That being triggered doesn't mean I am a bad person, a reject, imperfect, shameful or embarrassing. It means I am human and a wounded part of me has been touched and is hurting. I may flinch but I don't have to take it out on the world or on myself.
I am so much better now at giving myself a break, being real and kind to myself and talking to trusted friends who can witness me rather than fix me.
I know, ultimately, all will be well. Not everyone has this expectation. When I wrote this post I had just heart of the
the suicides of two women once removed from me. One a young woman at the start of her life, buoyant and participative but unable to deal with the existential calamity that she perceived all around her and the other a passionate, pioneer in her chosen field. Both planned their demise assiduously.
I don't know if anything could have helped either of these women make another decision but I know that we are as fragile as we are strong and I encourage you to remember to give yourself a break.
#mentalhealth #suicide #selfcare #stress #takeabreak