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I love learning. I am deeply curious, an avid reader, and an assiduous student.
However, for much of my life, learning hasn’t felt like a source of joy or growth. Instead, it has often felt like a mark of personal failing — a reminder of the many times I wasn’t "good enough."
A big disappointment was the perfect job that I almost got but didn’t. I was gutted.
Then there were the jobs (more than one) where I did the work but someone else took the credit. Soul-destroying.
And the time I delivered a project to an improbable timeline and still got fired. I felt blindsided.
There was the unhappily married boss who orchestrated business meetings over dinner and drinks. That turned out messy.
And the contract where I was asked to manipulate data to the public’s disadvantage. I didn’t.
Each of these moments knocked me back, and while I always got up again, I was left with a lingering shame.
The shame of not being good enough to land the perfect job, to get credit for my work, or to deliver a project in a superhuman time frame.
The shame of attracting the unwanted attention of a lecherous boss. The shame of calling out bad data practices and annoying a client.
In this context learning was excruciating; tied to feelings of inadequacy, failure, and judgment. My mind learned to equate learning with pain.
However, over time, my love for study — the very act of learning itself — began to shift my perspective. I saw how unhelpful and limiting this view of learning was.
My curiosity, particularly around the nature of consciousness, has opened up the possibility of reframing. This quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson “The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.” reminds me I have a choice.
Learning can be seen as growth or punishment, reflection or judgment. It can measure my integrity or indict my character. I can embrace it as an opportunity for resilience and tenacity and learn valuable lessons about my boundaries and useful insights into flawed systems and individuals.
By becoming aware of my tendency to fall into shame and self-judgment, I’ve found a gateway to recovery, seeing learning as a rich, meaningful experience.
It is not easy. It takes time and practice to break away from ingrained beliefs about failure and success. The path of least resistance that leads to shame has been the default for so long.
The beauty of self-awareness is that it provides a choice. When I see the pattern, I can actively shift the narrative from shame to resilience, from judgment to reflection and to see setbacks as opportunities for growth rather than personal failures.
I’m learning that the meaning I attach to my experiences matters more than the experiences themselves. Failure and adversity are inevitable. But I now see that learning doesn’t have to be excruciating. It can be enriching, transformative, and, most importantly, a process of becoming.
The choice is ours.
Curious to open up more choice in your life, book a no obligation 30 minute curious conversation.
#learning #¢hoice #challenge #pathofleaseresistance #selfawareness